Stories About a Queen AND King With Short Fuses.
by Medea4
Summary: This is another addition to the previously posted fanfics about Queen Garnet's abuse of power. This time Zidane eats too much fried chicken as well!
1. Introduction

Introduction

These stories were written as part of a thread started by NightFire on GameFAQ's called "Garnet+Power=Badbadbad!!". I give all credit to NightFire and Angel727 for the idea, and I encourage you to go read some of the earlier posts that have been collected under the fanfic, "Short & Long Stories About a Queen With a Short Fuse", and the ones written by Kocchi Highwind called "More Vignettes About a Queen With a Short Fuse". Also, please read Angel727's "The Sarle Chronicles" because I make a reference to Sarle in one of my scenarios, but you don't have to read it to understand what's going on. Keep in mind that some of the earlier stories towards the end aren't as good as the ones at the beginning because those were the first ones I wrote. 

Now that the introduction is over and done with, enjoy!


	2. The Sun Never Sets on Alexandria

*Queen Garnet, having gotten much too large for her throne, lies on her back in the middle of the throne room. She is surrounded by a red velvet rope, much like one in a museum. Garnet is covered with a huge tarp so that her subjects cannot see her unmentionables, and she is decorated with bows and ribbons and other such things. Beatrix stands and collects money from people who wish audience with the queen. There is a sign at the entrance to the room*   
  
Sign: Look at the Queen - 50 gil   
Speak with the Queen - 50 gil plus additional fee of 100 gil per sentence.   
Take pictures of the Queen - 1000 gil (No reporters. Anyone suspected of being a member of the paparazzi will be shot.)   
Feeding time is every other 15 minutes.   
  
*A small, feeble, little peasant girl steps forward*   
  
girl: Majesty, my father and I are very poor, I used up all the money we had to speak with you today. May we please ha-   
  
Beatrix: That was TWO sentences, my dear! You only paid for ONE!   
  
girl: But... I have no more money! That is why I came here...   
  
Beatrix: No excuses! GUARDS!   
  
*The guards carry the little girl away. Much screaming is heard in the background*   
  
Beatrix: NEXT!   
  
*A thin farmer steps forward*   
  
farmer: My queen, the country is being overrun by locusts! Isn't there anything you can do?   
  
Garnet: Urgle Gurgle.   
  
farmer: Your Majesty! This is very important!   
  
Garnet: *tries to roll over on her stomach but fails* AAAAAAAAHHHHH NEED FOOD!!!   
  
Beatrix: Alright Hillbilly Joe, the queen needs her space. Your time is up!   
  
farmer: But! Nothing has been done! Can't you do something? Everyone is starving!   
  
Beatrix: What did I just say!? GUARDS!   
  
*The gaurds drag the farmer away and much bone-cracking and screaming is heard.*   
  
Beatrix: FEEDING TIME!   
  
*Ten people in line are let into the room and are allowed to stand around and watch the queen as Quina pours a large bucket of lard down her throat*   
  
Crowd: Oooh! Aaah!   
  
*Many people take pictures, and one man overcome with awe, gets down on his knees and prays. After the queen is washed down, more people are allowed through. Soon, Steiner comes clanking through the line and stands breathless in front of Beatrix and the queen.*   
  
Steiner: *gasp* Your Highness! The people are revolting! We have a full-scale rebellion going on down there. They've brought the guillotine in! Heads are rolling!   
  
Beatrix: *Absolutely fuming* CAPTAIN! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?! YOU WILL STAND IN LINE AND PAY FOR AN AUDIENCE JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!   
  
Steiner: What?? Didn't you hear what I just said?!   
  
Beatrix: Didn't you hear what I just SAID??? Go and stand in line!!   
  
Garnet: Rrrrrrrr! Fooooood!!!   
  
Beatrix: Oh look! Now it's feeding time... I don't need this! GUARDS!   
  
Steiner: Beatrix! You've changed! Maybe the masses really do have a right to revolt...   
  
Beatrix: THAT'S ENOUGH! GOODBYE!   
  
*The guards drag Steiner away and much screaming and burning noises are heard. The crowd appears unfazed.*   
  
Beatrix: NEXT!   



	3. The Corruption Spreads: Part 1

Garnet sits in her room counting her money*   
  
Garnet: One... two... three... four... five. Five gil. I'm rich!   
  
*Garnet takes her money out to show Zidaine*   
  
Garnet: Zidaine! Look! I'm rich!   
  
Zidaine: *scowls* You aren't rich, you only have five gil.   
  
Garnet: That's not a lot?   
  
Zidaine: No. Rusty, why did you let her out of her room?   
  
Steiner: Well, she just seemed... so happy, and cute, and...   
  
Zidaine: DON'T YOU EVER LET HER OUT OF HER ROOM UNLESS I SAY!   
  
Steiner: Sorry... *cough*%#$hole*cough*   
  
Zidaine: What was that!?   
  
Steiner: Nothing *cough*goodfornothingvegabond*cough*   
  
Zidaine: You are aware this is for her own good! Remember what happened before? She got so fat and power hungry, I had to put her down.   
  
Steiner: I know, but all that shock treatment...   
  
Zidaine: I don't want to repeat myself, but I will. It was for her own good! She would have turned out like her mother!   
  
*a guard walks by eating some potato salad*   
  
Zidaine: Hmm... *stops soldier* Are you on duty?   
  
Guard: No, it's my lunch break.   
  
Zidaine: I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to confiscate some of the potato salad.   
  
Guard: How much?   
  
Zidaine: A good potion. All of it in fact. Hand it over.   
  
Guard: (grumbling) Alright, here.   
  
*Zidaine grabs the potato salad and starts to gobble it down like an animal.*   
  
Zidaine: (potato salad dripping down his chin) You are dismissed.   
  
Steiner: Zidaine, I don't think -   
  
Zidaine: WHAT?   
  
Steiner: SIR. I don't think you should eat so much as you have been lately... you're starting to gain some weight.   
  
Zidaine: What's it to you? I don't see you outside running laps, FATTY.   
  
Steiner: What!? I am perfectly fit.   
  
Zidaine: Whatever. I'm sorry, but you will have to be executed.   
  
Steiner: No! Why?   
  
Zidaine: You insulted me and you let the poor queen out of her room. GUARDS!   
  
Steiner: This is an outrage!   
  
Zidaine: Guards, take Steiner and execute him. And make sure the queen is locked up good.   
...   
Oh, and bring me some more of that potato salad. 

Note: This is the first of several stories about Zidane becoming corrupt with power.


	4. The Corruption Spreads: Part 2

Zidane+Power=Badbadbad: Part 2   
  
Zidane: Hmm, I'm tired of signing all these reforms. Why do we have to reform anyway? This is so boring.   
  
Alexandrian Minister of Public Affairs (AMoPA): You must! Garnet is incapable of making decisions now. It is your responsibility as her husband!   
  
Zidane: That's stupid. Look at these things you're making me pass: ''Fix Roads'', ''Reform Schools'', ''Social Security Program'', ''Welfare''... No one cares about these things!   
  
AMoPA: I believe otherwise. These are very important reforms!   
  
Zidane: Well, I DON'T believe otherwise!   
  
AMoPA: Well, I don't NOT believe otherwise!   
  
Zidane: So what, I don't DO NOT, not, something... otherwise... uh... SHUT UP! Who's the king here? YOU or ME?   
  
AMoPA: Well, you are...   
  
Zidane: Yeah! That's right! ME!   
  
AMoPA: Okay, your ''Highness'', what do YOU think is important.   
  
Zidane: (puts his feet up) I think that we should build a Kentucky Fried Chicken around here for starters. Why don't we have a Kentucky Fried Chicken anyway?   
  
AMoPA: Actually, we DID, but it wasn't able to fry up enough chicken for Queen Garnet's standards, so she had Bahamut destroy it.   
  
Zidane: You SEE? It was a good thing I put her down... yessiree.   
  
AMoPA: Is that all you can think of that we need to change?   
  
Zidane: Uh... what about getting me some more potato salad around here?   
  
AMoPA: That's HARDLY a reform, that's more like and order.   
  
Zidane: Your damn right it is! Now get me some potato salad, curl!!   
  
AMoPA: *sigh* (What I do to keep from getting executed) Yes, your Majesty.   
  
What will Zidane do next? Will he eat too much potato salad and become fat? Or is his metabolism too good for that? Find out next post! 


	5. The Corruption Spreads: Part 3

Zidane+power=badbadbad!! Part 3:   
  
*Garnet wanders around the palace aimlessly in a dirty nightgown, picking up things that people dropped on the floor. Her hair is tangled and disheveled and she is only wearing one slipper, the other foot is bare. She finds a small metal button and puts it up to a lamp admiring the glimmer.*   
  
Garnet: Ooh! Shiny!   
  
*Someone knocks the button out of Garnet's hand. Garnet starts to cry.*   
  
Zidane: Knock that out! What are you doing wandering around here this late at night?   
  
Garnet: *sniff* My pretty button...   
  
Zidane: Tell me! How did you get out of your room?   
  
*Garnet stares at Zidane stupidly for several minutes, then she puts her small hand on Zidane's*   
  
Garnet: You have big hands!   
  
*Zidane pushes Garnet away from him in disgust*   
  
Zidane: How did you become so stupid that you cannot answer a single question!? I would have you killed, but technically, you are still the queen!   
  
Voice: Zidane! Don't you get any closer to her!   
  
Garnet: Daddy!!   
  
Cid: No honey, I'm not your father. *turns to Zidane* I knew you were going to be trouble! I should never have agreed to let you take guardianship of her after the treatment!   
  
Zidane: Oh? Then who would have run Alexandria? YOU I suppose?   
  
Cid: At least I would know HOW to run a country!   
  
Zidane: Are you saying I'm a bad leader? Is that what you're saying!!?   
  
Cid: You don't even come from any noble line! You came from some backward planet that I've never heard of... Ouch! What was that!?   
  
*Garnet starts poking Cid with a pin she pulled out of the carpet.*   
  
Cid: *annoyed* STOP IT.   
  
Zidane: *glares at Cid* No Garnet, you're doing something right for a change.   
  
*Garnet giggles and then starts poking Zidane with the same needle.*   
  
Zidane: Hey! That hurt!   
  
*Zidane gets ready to hit Garnet*   
  
Cid: DON'T TOUCH HER!   
  
*Garnet returns to poking Cid*   
  
Cid: *In rage* QUIT POKING ME!   
  
*Garnet continues to poke Cid, and Cid turns around and slaps Garnet. Garnet looks stupefied and sits on the ground and starts bawling. A group of guards come rushing to her aide.*   
  
Guard #1: What's going on here?   
  
Zidane: REGENT Cid, just hit your queen.   
  
Guard #2: Did you?   
  
Cid: *nods sadly*   
  
Zidane: That kind of behavior is not very good diplomacy! Guards, take him under custody and declare war on Lindblum. If they don't surrender, we may have to have him executed *glances over at Cid* or maybe we will just execute him anyway.   
  
Guards: Yes Sir!   
  
*The gaurds run off, but Zidane runs after one of them and catches her by the arm.*   
  
Zidane: Hold on a sec!   
  
Guard #3: Yes?   
  
Zidane: Uh, while you're locking up Cid, do you think you could maybe ask Quina to make me up a couple of batches of potato salad?   
  
Guard #3: Uh... I suppose. Uh, Sir? Are you feeling well, your complexion is starting to look rather green.   
  
Zidane: I'll be alright. You just worry about that potato salad okay, hun? Oh, and when you have it, just bring it up to my quarters and knock on the door a couple of times. Make sure you're wearing something comfortable *winks*.   
  
Guard #3: Okay...   
  
To be continued! 


	6. Garnet Becomes a Loving Mother

*Queen Garnet sits on her throne eating cheesy poofs and ordering servants to stand on their heads and do little dances for her. She claps her hands and laughs loudly. Then a little girl with a tail and cute pink bows in her blonde hair, runs into the room screaming. Soon after, a slightly older boy with short brown hair and a tail runs in after her. *   
  
Little girl: Mmmmmmmmoooooooooooommmmmmmy! Alec is throwing peas in my hair! Make him stop!!!!   
  
*The servants stop and look at the child. Queen Garnet freezes, her laughter turns into a dark scowl. The room is filled with a foreboding silence.*   
  
Garnet: ALEC! You little S***! How many times have I told you not to tease your sister! GAURDS! Take the little brat and throw him in the dungeon for a few days! That should teach him.   
  
Alec: No! Mom! It's not fair! Lilith was playing with my Knights of Pluto action figures and put lipstick on them!   
  
Lilith: (giggles) They look much prettier now!   
  
Alec: No they don't! They look like wussies!   
  
Garnet: Heh, heh, the Knights of Pluto ARE wussies.   
  
Steiner: Hey!   
  
Garnet: SHUT UP!   
  
Streiner: (bows) Yes, Majesty. Sorry, Majesty.   
  
Garnet: Now, what was I just about to do?   
  
*The servants turn to see an adolescent boy walk through the door and enter the room*   
  
Sarle: I believe you were just about to throw my dear brother into the dungeon.   
  
Garnet: Oh yeah! Thank you honey. GAURDS!   
  
*The gaurds drag Alec away, kicking an screaming. Lilith sticks out her tongue at him.*   
  
Garnet: Why are you little brats running around the castle free to do as you please anyway? Where's your father?   
  
Lilith: (giggles)   
  
Sarle: Father is uh, ''preoccupied''.   
  
Garnet: ANSWER MY QUESTION! I ASKED YOU A QUESTION, YOU WILL GIVE ME A STRAIGHT ANSWER! WHERE IS YOUR FATHER???   
  
Lilith: We tied him up!   
  
Sarle: Shhhhh!   
  
Garnet: You WHAT!? Guards! Go find Zidane! I'll deal with these stupid monkeys.   
  
*Garnet turns to face her children, and glares at them*   
  
Garnet: (smiling sarcastically) Sooo, you thought it would be FUNNY to tie your father to a chair, didn't you? Was that a funny trick, did you think it would make me laugh?   
  
Sarle: No, but you see...   
  
Garnet: DID I ASK YOU TO SPEAK!?   
  
Sarle: Well, you did ask us a question.   
  
Garnet: IT WAS RHETORICAL YOU IDIOT! YOU DON'T ANSWER RHETORICAL QUESTIONS! Don't talk unless I tell you to! Now, I have to think of a fitting punishment...   
  
*Quina runs into the room in a panic*   
  
Quina: There are no yummy yummies left! They gone! Someone eat them all!!! (cries) He do this!!!   
  
*Quina lifts up a fat little boy by the tail who's face is covered in chocolate*   
  
Garnet: Cyrus! You pig! Did you eat all of the candy in the house!?   
  
Cyrus: Nods his head, then throws up all over the floor.   
  
Garnet: (shrieks in rage) YOU STUPID CHILDREN! YOU ARE ALL IN SO MUCH TROUBLE YOUR LITTLE HEADS ARE GONNA SPIN! GAURDS! THROW THEM ALL INTO THE DUNGEON WITH ALEC AND LEAVE THEM THERE UNTIL I FEEL LIKE SEEING THEM AGAIN!   
  
*After the children are dragged out of the room, Garnet looks around the room at the terrified servants.*   
  
Garnet: WELL! Dance you fools! Adelbert, bring me some more cheesy poofs and clean up this floor immediately!   
  
THE END 

Note: I give full credit to Angel727 for use of her character, Sarle. 


	7. Garnet The Racketeer

*Garnet sits in the throne room munching on potato salad. She looks around and wonders if there should be more to all of this.*   
  
Garnet: Gaddamit, I have all the power and all the money, and yet I'm sitting here eating potato salad and watching Jerry Springer. I need to DO something with my life! What would my father say if he saw me like this?   
  
*Zidane looks up from scrubbing the floors. He stands up and wipes his hands on his pink apron*   
  
Zidane: Huh? Did you say something, honey?   
  
Garnet: SAY something! Wait, did I say that, or just think it? What have I already said? They know too much...   
  
Zidane: What are you talking about? ''They''? I'm the only one here. Everyone else left the kingdom. Remember that royal decree demanding that everyone surrender all of their belongings and property to the State and work in ''social workshops'' or ''collectives''?   
  
*Garnet starts chuckling and chokes on her potato salad, then spits some of it all over the floor*   
  
Garnet: (with her mouth full) Ha ha! That wath funny! You know who gabe me THAT idea? Thome thtupid guy named Karl and hith friend! What efer habbened to thothe two? They were funny guyth...   
  
Zidane: You had them executed.   
  
Garnet: (reminiscing) Oh yeeaaaah... Remember the time that we all went to Treno and tried to get the nobles to smoke pot with us? That was pretty cool...   
  
Zidane: No it wasn't. They all knew that you were the queen and they did it willingly.   
  
Garnet: Oh, speaking of which, I have some stuff I need you to sell for me.   
  
Zidane: MORE? Jesus Christ, I'm not your F****ing drug-dealer! Where do you GET all of that stuff.   
  
Garnet: It is grown specially in the Evil Forest. *Rummages around in her fat rolls and pulls out a bag filled with purple leaves* I only choose the best for my people...   
  
Zidane: Isn't it supposed to be GREEN or something?   
  
Garnet: It IS green, no wait, I can't see it. Will you tell me if it's green?   
  
Zidane: I already told you it wasn't... NO! DON'T EAT IT!!!   
  
Garnet: (With her mouth filled with purple leaves) MMMMMMmmm... thith ith goooode. WHAT ARE YOU DOING! STOP POKING ME WITH THAT DAGGER!   
  
Zidane: I'm not doing anything! I'm way over here!   
  
Garnet: Ouch! I told you to stop! AAAAAAAAAAAH the bats! Didn't I tell you to get rid of those vermin?! OUCH!   
  
Zidane: THERE ARE NO BATS! Garnet! Calm down! Oh great. What do I do? What do I do?   
  
Garnet: I feel like you're proking me! *flails arms around* Help me Steiner! Beatrix! Knights of Pluto! AAAAAAAhhhhaa haaaa haaaaaa...   
  
*Garnet falls out of her throne and lies on the floor drooling. Zidane quietly walks out of the room and gets a sword. He walks back into the room and finds Garnet half-dead on the floor making gurgling noises. He plunges the sword into her heart with no remorse, then walks back out of the room. He steps out into the empty castle for a second thinking. He walks back into the room where the dead queen is lying and picks up the purple leaves on the floor.*   
  
Zidane: Hmmm, this is pretty good stuff, it should fetch a pretty good price in Treno.   
  
*exits* 


	8. Zidane and Eiko

Zidane secretly meets Eiko next to the telescope on top of Alexandria castle*   
  
Zidane: Uh, hey Eiko. You certainly have matured in the last couple of years... Is that a new bow? I really like it.   
  
Eiko: Tee hee, yeah... YOU PEDOPHILE! What are you trying to do!? I'm working for Garnet now, idiot. RAAAAAAPE!!!!!   
  
*Knights of Pluto come running out in clunky armor*   
  
Stiener: What seems to be the problem here, Miss Eiko?   
  
Eiko: HIM! He's sexually harassing me! Call my lawyer!   
  
*Doctor Tot pops up*   
  
Tot: You needed my assistance?   
  
Zidane: Now wait a minute here!!   
  
Tot: There is no place for such verbage in a place of work. Do you know what it means to assault a young child? How old are you?   
  
Zidane: uh...   
  
Tot: I knew it! Where is queen Garnet??   
  
Steiner: I belive her majesty is currently in the kitchen with Quena eating 10 pounds of potato salad...   
  
Tot: Bring her in here at once:   
  
*Queen garnet is carried up the stairs by all of the knights of Pluto*   
  
Garnet: *buuuurp* WHAT?   
  
Eiko: Zidane tried to assault me!   
  
Garnet: HE DID WHAT? AAAAGH!!! *Flails arms around. Knights of Pluto can't keep up the immense weight any longer and drop Garnet on the ground. Garnet falls on her huge stomach*   
  
Garnet: YOU IDIOTS! HELP ME UP!   
  
*Knights of Pluto run to her aide and turn her right-side up after a half an hour of pushing*   
  
Zidane: Your Highness... It's not how it looks...   
  
Garnet: *sob* I knew you'd betray me the moment I married you! You're just like that Kuja fellow... KILL HIM!!!!   
  
Tot: Do you think that's wise...   
  
Garnet: Shut up and do what I say! Give me some more potato salad!   
  
Epilogue:   
  
Zidane was executed and fed to Bahumet. Garnet put up with the knights of Pluto's crap for only two more days until they too were executed. Garnet started a new order called, The Knights of Uranus. Garnet later married Stiener and ate potato salad until she died. That was about a week after the incident. Eiko became queen of Alexandria and followed the late Queen's pattern by eating too much potato salad. Kuja came back to rule the world.   
  
THE END. 


	9. Parents Just Don't Understand

12 years after the end of the game...   
  
Lindblum guard: Regent, you're daughter is here to see you.   
  
*Eiko busts into the room wearing a tube top and a mini-skirt and bright red lipstick*   
  
Eiko: Uh, hey dad. Can I borrow the keys to the Invincible II? I have a hot date with Vivi.   
  
Cid: Young lady! Look at what you're wearing! You put on some decent clothes and I'll think about it!   
  
Eiko: What!? That is sooo unfair! I look perfectly fine. Aunt Garnet took me shopping last week and helped me pick out some new threads...   
  
Cid: Garnet!? You were in Alexandria!? How did you get there, don't you know we are at WAR?   
  
Eiko: Psht, like any stupid war is gonna keep me from breaking an appointment with my Aunt. She may be a fat B*** but she is sooo much cooler than you and Mom.   
  
Cid: Watch your mouth young lady! That's it! You are grounded for a week.   
  
Eiko: You are SUCH a tyrant!   
  
Cid: And Garnet isn't!? She's already killed off half of Alexandria's population! The only reason people are even LIVING there is because she has the whole place under lock and guard.   
  
Eiko: God, you always have to make everything sound so much worse than it already is! Garnet was right! I should have killed you off a long time ago! SUMMON MADEEN!!   
  
*Madeen kills Cid. Eiko takes the keys from his lifeless body*   
  
Eiko: Hey Vivi! Get your stupid little a** in here! We're going to Burger King!   



End file.
